We look at Legend Of The Dragon – a game for your Nintendo Wii, but is it worth forking out your money for?

What the hell is Legend of the Dragon? Where did it come from and why the hell do we have to play it? We didn’t buy a copy, and Lord knows the publisher didn’t send us one to review (Always a sign of quality and pride.) From what we can put together, it attached itself to one of wayward editors at a Costco and snuck into our offices like a common cold. And now we know why: Because Legend of the Dragon is a rock stupid fighting game, with the developers putting in as much time and creativity to utilize the Wii’s controls, as the television show’s creators spent brainstorming a distinctive title.

While it’s safe to assume Legend of the Dragon is based on an animated program of some sort even though a quick Google search turned up nary a fansite. A few airings at the coveted 7am slot on Toon Disney and one of the loneliest IMDb pages ever seen is about all you’d have to know it exists. That is, until the game came along to set the world on fire with its ineptitude.

The A button punches and the B trigger kicks, but everything else is executed with the grace of a newborn calf. Flicking the Wii Remote for a throw rarely works, and the tap-tastic combos don’t fare any better. You’ve got a purpely bar called a Ki gauge responsible for transforming you into a supposedly more powerful, “Guardian” alter-ego. Ripped from every Power Rangers plot line ever, this device purports to make the action more epic and awe inspiring, but it’s really just as boring and predictable as everything else.

Holding down Z and C performs a Guardian-specific special move by awkwardly incorporating directions on the D-pad. Mostly it requires you to make different hand gestures while pressing B, but most of these rarely register. And the only one that works with any frequency makes you look like a hyperactive terrier begging for table scraps, or worse, a slap-fightin’ sissy.

Quest mode is equally atrocious, having you walk along an archaic map randomly encountering other fighters. The generic story unfolds mostly through text – inexcusable by today’s licensed game standards – but given the annoyance of the repetitive soundbites you hear in the arena, we weren’t exactly yearning for more. Most of the goals had us shamefully resorting to cheap “Ring Out” victories just to get far enough in the game to tell you about its insipidness.

Giving us eight play mode options to choose from is about as generous as giving a death row inmate choice of execution. Legend of the Dragon plays like a shitty banjo. And that’s a vague comic assertion we’re comfortable making since we’re the only people to bother scoring Legend of the Dragon despite nearly three weeks in the wild. We’re in the lofty critical position where you have to take our word for it. Is anybody even reading this? Hello?

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